Friday, May 29, 2009

le sigh...

Every summer home from college is difficult. This summer maybe more so, since I spent a good portion of last summer in London. So I am bored. I have approximately one friend from high school. She happens to be married. A big girl now.

I'm still living with mommy and daddy, normal for a college student, but kind of boring. We're in the middle of the country, with nothing in walking distance. Am I happy to get away from the bullying of the college campus? Absolutely. But my little college town at least has a park with swings. A bar. A coffee shop. Lattes in the morning. A pretty place to walk around, watch the ducklings and the evil attack swans. If nothing else, sunshine time while walking from one place to another.

I've got a bit of cabin fever. And I have terrible allergies, so I'm almost afraid to go outside for too long. Already sick, no need to give the germs more ammo.

Maybe a movie or some shopping with the sister tomorrow. Girl time will help. I just wish that my immune system would stop being a wuss and put up a fight from time to time.

Note to self: make more friends.

Just a Note

Dear Terrible Cough,

Please go away and feel free to never come back. It is very difficult to enjoy anything when I have to concentrate on breathing. I would like to do some wedding planning and maybe enjoy the outdoors without worrying about my face swelling to twice its normal size. Please don't make me beg or resort to using less pleasant categories of my vocabulary. Also, if you must find a new home, make it not in my house, because I don't want you back. Preferably, ever. And where does all this phlegm COME FROM?!


Thursday, May 28, 2009


I don't normally like change unless I'm in total control over it. I probably don't have to mention that the total control thing doesn't happen often... So I'm in the middle of a lot of changes right now. In a little over a year, I'll change my name - a change I want, so it's not so scary. I'll be moving out of my parents house - goes hand in hand with changing my name, so while a little scary, necessary and will be welcomed. I've got my first "real" job, which is terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time.

The big change, though, is changing schools. It's not carved in stone yet, but as soon as I know I'm admitted... I just completed my third year of college. I'm not supposed to be doing this whole thing again! Applications, admissions offices, campus maps... It's a very strange feeling. People transfer all the time. But I don't. I don't transfer. Except now I do. And while it is my choice, it's not really. Because if I didn't have POTS, this sneaky little disability, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. I wouldn't need to transfer. Because I would be "normal." And "normal" people don't irk their professors by being behind even when they're busting their butts. "Normal" people don't have to fight to prove they're capable of college-level work, to prove they actually are intelligent human beings who just happen to have some obstacles in their lives. And since you can't force people to accept you, to stop judging, to take 20 minutes out of their day to do a little research and actually understand what on earth is going on...I'm transferring.

I'm frustrated. I'm sad. I'm excited. I'm leaving friends behind, my life behind. I'm leaving a beautiful campus behind, adorable ducklings and all. But I get to start again, and I get to work with a disability office (insert cheers here).

So I'm trying to accept changes. Because they are, after all, usually for the best. I think. I hope. Right?

Friday, May 15, 2009

Today Hates Me...And the Feeling is Mutual

My gallbladder is killing me, and I've hardly eaten anything, much less a ton of grease to irritate it. The pain in my back is so terrible I can't sit up straight. (I might point out that due to my amazing posture, I probably don't look any different than usual.) It is taking a rather long time to type this because my head is pounding and I see one and 1/2 of everything. All of my limbs have that pins and needles, my foot just fell asleep, feeling. And I hate it.

I'm not trying to whine or complain, but I said I'd write about my life, and today, this is my life. This is one of those days that makes me feel like "the sick girl," my high school title. I hate it.

My college has no disability office. (If you have a disability, do not make this mistake. I love my school, honestly, even though you may not see that love here...but I wish beyond all wishes that it had a disability office.) So, no disability office, I work through the dean's office. I have one advocate. She handles all of the disability work. The problem - most disabilities she works with resemble ADD or dyslexia more than disorders which sometimes involve unconsciousness. (Thank you spell check. My brain is not in it's typical grammar police mode today.)

So, I struggle at school. I struggle in school. And today, I am sitting on the edge of my seat (not literally, because I'm in bed) waiting to hear if my professors will allow me to take incompletes in my classes. Because today, my body is falling apart, and I don't expect a 180 by tomorrow. All I want for christmas is a new body... I don't even care that it's seven months away...

Coming soon, things I don't hate and some happy faces. I promise.

Monday, May 11, 2009

I'm on hold... I thought this would be a good time to post. The wait time keeps getting longer. Goodie.

I have not been feeling amazingly well, as you can tell by my lack of posting. On top of that, Honors Day was this weekend (induction into honorary groups, etc) so my 'rents & the fiance's were here. A good time, but tiring nonetheless.

The weather is beautiful today (as far as I can tell from my window & the weather channel), which is good, because crappy weather makes my body decide it must also be crappy, and I'm not really in the mood for that today. Or, really, any day.... Must get work done.

Last week of classes, finals next week, and then I am done with year three of college. This would be a nicer thought if the next week wasn't going to be the week from Hades. Tests, quizzes, presentations, papers... I haven't even gotten out of bed and I'm already sick of this.

Class in an hour, should probably get out of bed. Back soon. (Really. I mean it.)

PS-Out of tissues, blowing my nose with napkins. This is not something I would recommend.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Intro to the Blogging World

Welcome to my head. My apologies. It is a scary place. Nevertheless, I will continue to share my thoughts on being a college student, planning a wedding, and living with an invisible disability-all at once. You may laugh, cry, or squirt milk out of your nose. I'll join you. More to come. Right now, I need sleep.