Sunday, November 8, 2009

If You're Reading This, You Should Know That You Inspired Me

...after reading that title I think I could make a series out of this...

But this particular post is about whoever went to Google and typed in "inside my skin there is this space." And not because my blog showed up in the search.

Because I know that the next two lines are "It twists and turns, it bleeds and aches." The beginning of Absence of Fear by Jewel.

I haven't heard the song in a long time, probably years, but I remember it.

I don't know what the song is supposed to be about. Maybe a guy. I don't think it really matters, because the song helped me get through one of the most difficult times in my life.

The time when I was a cutter.

I am blessed enough to not have any scars from that period of my life, short of the tiniest dent in the skin on the back of my wrist that even I can't always find. But sometimes it still hurts emotionally.

Nothing happened to me. No traumatizing childhood experiences. But I was the typical cutter. Female and Type A. School was killer. A peer once asked me if my parents beat me if I got B's instead of A's (they didn't. I'm pretty sure that would have liked me to chill a little). Writing a paper was a crisis. Projects caused back-to-back panic attacks. It all just got to be too much.

And so I cut.

Sometimes I think about it and it just sounds stupid. Going that far because I couldn't always live up to my own standards. But I know it's not stupid, and I know I'm not the only one.

So if you've been there, I get it. If you're there now, send me an email. Let's chat.

And everybody should have a listen.


Nicolasa said...

I found you from Chatty Nicoley and I am so glad I did. My sister's roommate just started cutting and I am trying to sort through that even though it is not affecting me directly, it still is because my sister is there.

I love that you are so honest. Thank you for your post. Beautiful song.

Lauren From Texas said...

Thanks for being honest. It's scary, but if you can help someone with your story... wow. Thanks for sharing.