Wednesday, July 1, 2009

There's No Point Until I Have Pants

I have a lot of anger and no place to put it. Except maybe here. And on my poor family. When all they do is take care of me.


I. Feel. Pathetic. Since about, oh, 1:45pm-ish my legs haven't worked. For a while, they wouldn't move. At all. But for most of this time, they just won't bear weight. I did somehow make it to the bathroom on my own (one time) and on the way out collapsed & had to be rescued. Goody. I have been transported throughout the (downstairs portion) of the house in a wheeled office chair. This made me laugh, which is good, or I would have to cry.

Due to all of this...erm...crap...I missed my second day of classes. I MISSED MY SECOND DAY OF CLASSES. And now I feel stoopid. (With two "o"s) Because people are going to think I dropped the classes because I was scared of the workload or something, and yeah, my profs have the disability letters, but still. The second day of class? It's like I just want someone to carry me through life. And someone may have to if my legs don't start working agin. Really excited about sleeping on the couch tonight. It's like a slumber party. Alone. Or rather, with dogs.

And the pants? I needed help changing out of my jeans into pjs. Because I'm 3.

So even though it's pathetic and not at all attractive, I'm going to go have a bit of a pity party, because I am in a lot of pain and I can't get to the bathroom to pee on my own and I know a lot of people deal with this stuff every day but there's not really a physical reason for my legs to not work except that they hate me. (And that whole nervous system/blood flow thing...)

So I'm angry. POTS makes me angry. Sometimes my life makes me angry. And this is one of those days. Sometimes I deal by being stubborn. I fall on my face. Sometimes I deal by crying. Then I blow my nose for 64 hours. Right now I really can't deal with it, so I'm just going to be angry. At least for a little while.

But tomorrow's a new day. Right?

1 comment :

De said...

1. I'd be feeling sorry for myself, too.
2. Anger is ok for awhile.
3. We love you.
4. I hope this is a better day.
5. It doesn't matter what the other people think!